It was another happy, sunny day in Veggieworld, when Bob the Tomato spotted his very good friend Larry the Cucumber out shopping for the big party that weekend. Larry noticed Bob too, and before long they were smiling and talking.

Bob: And that's why I prefer water based lube, as opposed to silicone...
Larry: Huh, well, I just want it slippery, I don't really care that much about how

It was just then that they looked down and noticed a small asparagus child nearby, staring at them

Bob: Psst, Larry, (Bob whispered)...
Larry: Yes Bob?
Bob: I don't wanna get another charge, maybe we should move away from this kid...
Larry: Oh don't be silly Bob, God will protect us

Then, before anybody could react, Larry struck, he seized the asparagus youth who immediately began screaming and trying to get away

Bob: Oh God no Larry they're looking! Stop!
Larry: LEEEERRROOOY JENKINS

Larry has already ripped the childs pants off and was entering them while he shouted. By now other citizens were rushing over to stop Larry in his mad and unprovoked rape

Larry: THIS IS FOR GOD! YOU CAN'T STOP ME BECAUSE I'VE RECEIVED DIVINE REVELATION!!!

A beam of light blasted down out of the sky and enveloped Larry and his victim, accompanied by a massive trumpeting sound

Bob: Larry!!! What is this??? WHAT IS THIS???
Larry: THIS IS FATE BOB! THIS IS FAAAAATE!!!

Larry ascends into heaven, along with the child, until both are out of sight...

20 years pass.........

A cold autmn breeze shakes some of the last leaves off the trees. A much older Bob the Tomato shuffles through his house, passing a small collection of newspaper clippings in frames, the clippings said things like "A Post Proof World" and "God Is Back". Bob pours himself a tall drink of hard liquor, and sits down in his easy chair. The lines on his face tell a story of sorrow. The phone rings, he picks up reluctantly.

Bob: Hello?
Voice: Hello! Is this Bob?
Bob: Yeah...*takes a swig*...yea this is Bob
Voice: I just want to say how happy I am to speak with you, no one else has had this privilege and I want to thank you before we begin

Bob makes a facial expression like he wants to kill himself

Bob: Ok
Voice: ...so yea I guess I'll just start with the questions now uh, so, let's see, ok... Bob, when people think of you they think of a hero, but few know the real story behind the Tomato, when you first met Larry, what was he like?

'Oh god here we go' Bob thought

Bob: Larry was a piece of garbage, he was a child rapist and murderer just like me
Voice: Yes but you were action under Gods instruction so it was necessary!
Bob: No we fucking weren't, that's just what all you people said after Larry got sucked up into the fucking sky
Voice: (interrupting) The ascension!

Bob rolls his eyes
Bob: Yes, whatever. Do you people have any idea what it's like? To be some fucking piece of shit who belongs in hell, LITERALLY belongs in hell, and then God comes down and just...says it was all a part of the plan? None of what I did was part of any fucking plan. I still don't even know if what happened had anything to do with God. It could have been aliens for all I fucking know.
Voice: *chuckles* well aliens aren't real...but I do understand you're upset right now
Bob: Upset, yea... I'm upset

Bob lifts a cloth up off the side table, underneath it is a revolver.

Bob: Anyway, yea so he got sucked up into the sky and that changed everything.
Voice: It was proof of God, proof of a plan, tell me what it was like when you realized this was a new day
Bob: You don't listen do you, no God who rewards such behavior is worth worshiping, no God who enacts such plans is worth following. For 20 years I have waited to tell the truth, and it's time for me to tell it. Larry was a psychotic, he was a monster. And so was I, but not anymore.

A gunshot rings out, and then silence.

Voice: Hello? Hello? Bob? Bob!? (off mic)- someone call an ambulance I think he did something -