I have to admit something I've been denying for a long time and feeling really bad about but I'm kind of drunk now so that makes it easier but here it is. I think I'm a sadist. Like a real one. I like hurting people. And I feel so much shame because of some core memories which dictate my values, but that doesn't change my proclivities. Ever since I was a kid I liked hurting people. Never anything fucked up like throwing rocks or pushing people off things, but kind of sicker stuff, like shaming people into willingly accepting punishments like hand slapping, or just fucking with peoples heads. I stopped doing that at least consciously by the time I exited my teens. I tried to be a good person. I got walked on a lot, and I was never happy. I value consent and always will, so I'm not worried about hurting anybody nonconsensually, but it does present a difficulty with partners. So far every sub partner I have had left because I couldn't bring myself to hurt them, even though they wanted it, and specifically asked for it. I could never even cum in them. Then one night with a guy friend (my age, barely knew him really), I was fucking him and he was clearly in a lot of pain, and I hesitated like I normally would, and I asked him if he was ok, but he told me to finish, he begged me to finish, I again told him I wanted to stop and that I didn't want to hurt him, he said he was fine but he was grimacing, clearly in pain...I listened to him, I didn't stop, I fucked harder and harder all while looking, wide eyed staring locked onto his face, his grimace of pain, his eyes clenched shut, his teeth bared. I loved the pain I was causing him...I hurt him more and more in my mind with each thrust, until finally I came, for the first time in my life I came from sex, before now it had not happened. And in that moment I knew I was fucked up.