Alright, so what's the best machine for cardio?

Stationary bikes are cheap and very available

Those walking leg things + arms also provide a light workout too?

Those, uh, running things are usually way too fucking massive and supra expensive, not an option

Anything else?
@Jazzy_Butts that seems to be the winning one, I'll look into it, thanks
@coolboymew @Jazzy_Butts rowingmachine-guide.com/reviews.html

make sure you read reviews, check craigslist/kijiji or whatever, my local area has a bunch of used ones for sale, no need to buy new
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