@Jazzy_Butts i only do shit for other people. when it comes time for me to get mine its always a gnashing and gnarling to drag it out of people. we never do shit i want to do. i'm just allowed for the ride. and if i talk about wanting to do something, its back to gnashing and gnarling about why it's wrong for me to want things.

some ex tried to re-enter my life recently, admitted it was her own brain worms that she left, but now is like no you need to pass the relationship filter again and i'm just like... no. i am the same person you supposedly liked when you left me. tell me what you want. (they haven't spoken to me since then; i will permit one or two more days before i stamp their ban certificate.)

i do work within the parameters of work. and people get upset at the results. i am quite qualified to comment on some things and i'm just ignored or dressed down for it. like, it's whatever. i try to come up with better ideas when polposting on fedi and people are just like no u. i talk to people elsewhere about things i am quite qualified to talk about, and much the same.

i try to find friends and we only do their shit on their schedule. i try to find a partner and its a laundry list of reasons for rejection--assuming i even get one. i get ghosted for being straight. i stack rejections if i talk to lgbts. there's one or two of the T's that approached me for some stuff but ultimately even that is just me doing work for their enjoyment.

i am tired and exhausted and i want mutually beneficial arrangements but i always just feel like i just live alone under siege 24/7