backstory: i have hypersexuality (wow big shock) that is brought on by cyclothymia, which is a mood disorder similar to bipolar but with smaller peaks that just fluctuate more often. so instead of being depressed or manic for a week i'll be hypomanic for a day or even a few hours before fluctuating between that and minor depression. it comes with its own share of unique issues.

i wish my parents had actually caught this instead of being avoidant, because honestly i was pretty fucked for a while because of it. looking back, even as a young kid i was pretty sexual in my own innocent way and had some pretty wild mood swings with a lot of anger or heightened self-importance.

it makes me appreciate places like fedi as well as other online resources a lot, though, tbh it has helped my self image and sense of control a lot to sort of be immersed in a culture where people just share hentai all the time and shit. part of what made it so bad, for me and others, was that it was heavily repressed. it was really weird going from being told i was addicted and a horrible person for liking that stuff to going into the actual adult world and finding out, hey, actually everyone does this shit. i feel so much more healthy, man. my head's in a much better place and that affected my physical body too.

i know this isn't the answer for a lot of people, because they'll just get worse and get actually addicted and goon for days on end or whatever the fuck, but as far as i'm concerned it's helped me a lot in a weird way. it's also sort of helped me come to terms with who i am and not be so fucking sad about it all the time (well, most of the time).

it's also helped arm me with knowledge for if i ever have kids, because i know both of my parents also have some sex and mood related issues. all of my siblings have psychologic issues as well, ranging from mild psychosis to OCD to major depression. before, i really didn't want to have kids because i was worried they were going to be fucked up like i was and i wouldn't know how to deal with it, but after learning more about myself and unpacking some shit it's helped reorient me and give me confidence in giving my future children the best life they can have, despite almost certainly having some psychological issues. crazy enough, i think my online experience in the past four years or so has majorly contributed to that.

unconventional as fuck, but i've never really been a conventional person in ANY sense of the word. what's that saying? unconventional problems require unconventional solutions.

thanks for coming to my fuckin ted talk, here's a cute kanna for your time (art: 画画的布丁SAMA)