My life started pretty normally, but my mom munchausened me and that's where my shit started getting fucked. Changed schools every 3 years, was on pills that made me obese and greasy, none of the other kids liked me until I got into high school because by then I had gotten off the poison. This whole time I was pretty much living in my own world of comic books, sci fi, horror, and cartoons. I made a friend in those last 3 years of school, and through him I met others. They all turned out to be pretty nice people, until they stopped being nice and got selfish. And then the primary friend didn't get to the phone in time and someone good died. After that the facade ended, no one could pretend everything was normal anymore. They and I were a bunch of addict losers, so I cut them loose. And I tried making friends after, I fell in with some gay guy and his friends, he was around 10 years older than me and manipulated the fuck out of me. Told me he loved me, that we would run away together and get married, all lies. A week after I met him he revealed he had a husband, who met me, and was cool with it (he pretended to be but was not in fact cool with it). Our shitty disgusting toxic relationship lasted over 2 years, until he threatened me one night when I was depressed and talking about how I wished I wasn't alive at that moment, I said "I just wish I wasn't alive right now" and he took it and turned it around and started verbally abusing me and screaming and saying he was going to call the hospital and shit and I don't do hospitals because they One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nested my ass in my teens and that shit fucked me up hard. They strapped me down and injected me at one point because I wasn't acting like a cuckboy faggot (yes massa, no mass, you sho is smart massa). One of the staff took a hate to me and would threaten to beat the fuck out of me every time he saw me. I was a soft pissed off gay boy, there was no reason for him to act like that, I kept to myself and never broke or threw shit. I learned early on that life is fucked, the inmates run the asylum, fairness does not exist, we die cold and alone and in more pain than we could ever imagine. Cartoons, masturbation, mind numbing, it's all I have had for a long time. I ditched the gays after that debacle. And I have been alone for many years. I thought the country would descend into civil war after Trump was elected, and I had gotten prepared to the best of my own ability, I wanted to innawoods if I had to and had a go bag and everything. I trained hard. Got into the best shape since I was out clubbing years before. Then nothing happened. And covid. And the lockdowns. And still nothing. I looked at the world falling apart. Specal passes to go to conventions, special injections. I don't do hospitals, I don't do doctors, I don't do injections. These people, these motherfuckers, again, took from me. And they won't stop taking. I just wanted to meet some friends irl in meatspace, people I could act normal with, but instead I was trapped alone and going deeper into my own head. I began talking to myself, little things at first, singing out loud, shouting one word phrases and then chuckling, stuff to keep my spirits up, but then it got worse, it got dark. I started arguing with people from my past who weren't there, and I knew they weren't there, I didn't care, I would have full on dialogues with them. And no matter how many times I did it I would never get any true catharsis, but I wouldn't stop. I began making mannequins of people who had betrayed me and mutilating them. I was not, and am not, healthy. I tried to start seeing a therapist, very hard for me to do, took a lot of effort, a big personal compromise. She ghosted me. She was a Christian. I was open about everything I'm telling you now, as well as more personal doxxy stuff. I was open about my gentleness too, how I wanted to protect those I loved, but that I found it hard to love like I used to because to love requires trust and my ability to trust has been damaged since I was 9. I don't like being lied to, I don't like being manipulated. I don't like being told an office is a safe space, only to then be told my views on zoohilia and pedophilia are only so because I was "abused" and am "addicted to porn" and had my "innocence taken away", gtfo with that christian spiritual bullshit.