maybe you know what i'm talking about maybe you don't
now, what immediately struck me was that the group of people who had watched it that i could see seemed to display a reaction that belied my immediate impression upon hearing of this vid; i imagined it to be something along the lines of a liveleak clip in terms of impact: people want to see this because it's gruesome/extreme/Not Supposed To Have Been Seen. i imagined it was voyeurism, specially cause it sounded like an itimate moment between two trans women and people get really weird about that
but that wasn't the reaction i generally saw. it was one that was much more... compassionate, melancholic. which maybe isn't surprising per se, when you hold the short summary of what it is in your hand, but the internet tends to desensitize people. i expected "cool", "wish that was me", "this owns", "goals"; i did not expect "ah"
so, i watched it, expecting it to heavily affect me, and it did, even moreso than i imagined. had to breathe hard, try to calm down, lie down afterwards
and i think i understand a bit why it got a reaction different than usual. it is failed pornography. this video was made with the intention of being for consumption, whether paid or not. it was made as entertainment, and it does an incredibly bad job of it. people immediately saw past the frame of it as a product and found two persons hurting and could not come back into a position where they weren't aware of this
it's a comission. the presence of a third party recording, the outfits, the drugs; these two girls were and are still camgirls/porn actresses, so this was likely the result of someone wanting to jerk off, but it severely fails at being for sexual consumption, because we care, and you're not supposed to care about porn actors
they're dead eyed, and there's clear affection for each other even in the middle of this performance, and are trying to eke out some comfort of it, kissing gently tucked in the corner of the bed with a creep watching them. it breaks the illusion. immediately you abstract from the camera - the general scenario is skirting the reality of life a bit too closely. it's too vulnerable
now, i shared this with someone and they said that to them this was intentional, that it's anihilation porn, that the cruelty of it is the point, and i don't agree. i don't think whoever ordered it expected it to come across so coldly. i do think there is an attempt at eroticism, or arousal here. the zoom on the injections, the costumes, it screams of someone who wanted to see two trannies getting high and kissing more than paying them to do drugs in a run down soviet apartment so they could create a hyper-realist art performance
it is accidental, unintended, a catastrophic backfire; and it wouldn't be anywhere as strong if it hadn't come about as the result of a failed attempt to be "sexy". otherwise it might have had the same impact as war photos, or any other video of someone poor suffering greatly: mostly none
the power comes in the *unexpected* empathy. in the immediate dismissal of every third party. fuck the cameraman, fuck the comissioner, fuck everyone else, hi, how are you, i hope you're safe, i hope you're happy somewhere
i was heartened that something, anything at all online, was taken in this serious a manner when it might have fallen into the pit of being a product, of being passed around because it's hardcore or morbid. i'm guilty of morbidity too, why lie, but i do regret it often, how hard it is to muster up the power to care in the moment—too many distances, it has already happened, it is happening in a video, i have seen so much like this already—but, for me at least, and for seemingly a fair bit many others, this managed to escape that. it demanded i recognise their reality
@tarperfume I may be broken but I didn't feel bad watching that, not any worse than usual at least. I remember watching people shoot up as a kid so it's normal to me. It's sad, I see their pain, and I wish they didn't have it, I wish I could eat the worlds pain and digest it. But I can't. I don't use, but I know those feelings. When you use, you don't care anymore. That's why you're using. You don't care if you might die, or get hurt, you just want the pain to go away. And nobody cares, or that's how it feels. That's the worst part, when you're in that hole you could be next to someone who genuinely loves you so much but you won't feel it, you will still feel unloved and worthless. At least that's how it was for me. And then in those moments where these people use, I imagine they escape those feelings of horror and pain for as long as the rush lasts, and then it's back to the grind, death is not an option, suicide is not an option, that's why people use. I wish all drugs were legal, like alcohol, with no stigma, so people wouldn't feel shame ontop of the pain they already have that causes them to use in the first place. If it was legal and regulated ethically there wouldn't be predatory and manipulative pushers either.
for me it's not per se sad that they're shooting up, it's the context of it. don't really get the feeling they love having to do this for someone else. but they manage to abstract from it, and sure, with the help of the drug as well. "might as well feel it with you if i have to do it anyways".
i completely can see how someone might be so broken that this doesn't feel *specially* bad to them, yes.