I've got to beat my monkey side back and control it to be a better person, the animal in me is wild and untamed, is that what autism is? Being an eternal child? A half retard? Certainly my mode of expression is retarded, but I was walking at a very early age. I didn't play games, I hit life hard, and it hit me back harder. I wonder if I'll ever be a smooth boss, a champ like I was supposed to be before I lost it all. Everything I worked for. Everything. Almost everything...not everything...I could rebuild. And so I've tried, and it is slow going, I don't know what tomorrow holds but I try. I couldn't garden as hard this year as I usually do, because my bod is messed up, but even so, I feel as if my bod being messed up has forced me to learn to work smarter not harder. And so I've learned a lot in a short time, but only in theory not in practice. I want to get right with the land, harvest its fruits, and I want more than to just survive I want to thrive.