maybe suicidal but definitely dysphoria 

genderanalysis.net/depersonali

all of this... I have all of this...

I feel so empty and numb and exhausted and weak... and it has been especially bad since late 2018 when I "cracked my egg shell" (figured out I'm trans).

Maybe it wasn't the antipsychotics after all...

...maybe becoming more aware of my dysphoria without doing anything to alleviate it has made it much worse.

give me estrogen or give me death. I don't want to continue living like this. And I feel too weak to do anything to acquire estrogen, it feels like a daunting, impassable task to me. Suicide seems much easier... but I'd really prefer the estrogen. But the suicide is still better than continuing to live in this hell...

just help me......

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@LunaDragofelis
It has been especially bad since late 2018 when I "cracked my egg shell" (figured out I'm trans).

Then... Maybe... try this:
Every morning, look into a mirror. Learn to love the body you have and take care of it.
Start lifting weights. It will boost your T and build confidence.
Eat a ton of meat, cut all sugar.

And if all of this fails, feel free to blame me with all of your strength. But try living as a man, before you do something you're going to regret.

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