I’d put this forth for all the guys in their early 20’s talking about how they’d be totally willing to get married “if I found the right one” - you may be due to revamp your approach to dating. If you were to imagine an outside consultant coming in and advising you on a career, what would he say about your approach to searching, sorting, and testing wife candidates?
Would he say “you don’t appear to be searching in any meaningful way whatsoever”? ‘Cause that’s kind of our default. We just go through our day to day grind with our passive wife-radar-array sweeping in the background, but never really actively hunting for targets.
When I got w/ current gf I did feel genuinely bad at the thought that I was diverting her from a dude in her own bracket, but the more I talked about her experiences the more it became apparent that all the guys she knew were apparently more invested in playing dark souls with their friends online than keeping a standing date with a woman. That’s for the special subset of guys she’d meet and know, which rarely advanced past the most basic texting level because she’s very passive and shy….and so are they.
RT: https://poa.st/objects/bbd86096-aa2e-47d5-ae52-f7277af45685
We don’t talk about it much because nobody likes to admit it, but the majority of guys really, REALLY have little idea how to handle a woman, and they end up making very costly mistakes when they have to catch up on 10 years of dating experience when get their first gf at 23.
Lots of them want a dude-fren they can creampie, that’s pretty much the overarching issue. They want to be able to have a “low maintenance” girl who just comes over to sit around and do nothing with them on a friday night….kind of hard to make her think too highly of you when that’s all you offer.
You don’t need to be in the impressive courtship phase for long, but you DO need to find a target worthy of your investment and knock her socks off with a few good dates. Doing something cool and romantic gains you the approval and support of her extended friend network. Treating her like a blasé booty call leads them to chip away at your relationship. Taking her out on cool things means that they’ll passively support you as good guy she can’t let go.
@Humpleupagus Then you’re doing it wrong. The courtship phase is meant to give you memories. It’s a time to really dig in and savor the excitement for each other, to create a well you can draw upon when things get tough that reminds you of how badly you wanted each other.
You shouldn’t be doing fake stuff, but authentic things tailored for her presence. You can blend your hobbies together. Early on I had some free airtime in a friend’s DA40, surprised her with a day trip to the next state over, some good food, and a tour through some vintage clothing shop I thought she’d love. Combined a little bit of everything for both of us.
@WashedOutGundamPilot @Humpleupagus
And then, women are surprised, that "the guy changed"...
Ok, thanks for advice. So, my choices are to lie, or die alone. Why didn't you begin with that?
@Humpleupagus @LukeAlmighty Why would you make things harder for yourself though? Just be good and enjoy all the additional reinforcement they provide anyways.
Why be so quick to throw away helpful connections and assistance on a whim? Take a long view, family ties will pay dividends 10,20,30, even 50 years from now as long as you invest in them. Not many families merit total excommunication or even broken ties, just a little distance, and you can buy that with a move until your kids come of age
I personally see my wife's father about once a month, when he comes to my house. I rarely see the mom. But if my wife goes to see either, she goes without me. That's her family, not mine. That's her relationship, and one in which I don't interfere. And they can say whatever they feel about me, good or bad. I don't care. It's of little import. I'm the man in the relationship.
That being said, I'm also her father's lawyer. So take that into consideration. 🤷♂️
You can either do as Humps appears to have done and cut off that source of influence, or else structure life such that you're not materially ruined when 5-10 years in you get doorpopped with divorce because one of her female relatives convinced her that she could do cash&prizes and move up in life.
Keep it in the house and work through it. The relationship will be stronger in the long run if it lasts, and if it fails, it'll be genuinely because of the internal relationship.
@LukeAlmighty @Humpleupagus If that’s your takeaway you’re not experienced or observant enough to be reading what I’m putting out. You need to do those things to check the box and experience them, once you move into the domestic phase, with those high-effort experiences under your belt, then you can relax and be homebodies as a couple because you both know the ‘activation energy’ needed for them.
You need to work on your testosterone if you go from seeing the most vital existential challenge of your life and immediately shrink back with “OH FUGG GUESS I’LL DIE ALONE!”. They’re just women, man. If you can train a dog, you can tame a lady. The toughest part is sourcing the right stock. The actual relationship is not all that tough, as long as you’re smart.
When you get your blood chemistry right then you get that necessary gumption to tackle these challenges. Microplastics, estrogen, being raised by women, whatever the source, the outcome is the same when you shrink from a necessary, vital challenge.
Centuries of survival, struggle, and love - all undone by the gayest conflux of enemies the world’s ever seen. I hope you can fix it, man. It’s something we all have to tackle at some point. The future won’t be here for quitters.
@WashedOutGundamPilot @Humpleupagus
Man, Of course my post above was a hyperbole.
But this line:
You need to work on your testosterone if you go from seeing the most vital existential challenge of your life and immediately shrink back with “OH FUGG GUESS I’LL DIE ALONE!”.
Is fucking delusional. I have been trying my entire life, and I am 27 already. I am not saying "OH FUGG GUESS I’LL DIE ALONE", I am asking: How much of my fucking life do I have to waste on this, and what shit am I even going to get at this point?
I am fucking trying man, but the fact, that no woman wants to speak with me ever is not a fucking blood chemistry problem.
@ignika98 @Humpleupagus @WashedOutGundamPilot
If you want to give advice, I am seriously listening, but you know the anwser to your question pretty well already
Well, we’re literally in hell, so it follows from there that the game of life is thoroughly rigged, especially against decent people. This world is so corrupt that even churches, mosques, synagogues, shrines, temples, places designed to be houses of God, places meant to be literal holy ground, are routinely twisted against us by the adversary, Lucifer. If you thought that hell is a place of boundless torment where they just inflict infinity pain all of the time, think again; if that were what hell is, you would just get used to it. Here on Earth (hell), you get just enough good times to know what good times are.
So the test, the real test, the one that people don’t want to hear about, isn’t of whether you get gf, make megabux, become a formidable gigachad warrior, or whatever else (although you should pursue all of the above), but of if you sell your soul along the way to do so. And there is no dearth of ways to sell your soul, either. It’s a figure of speech and it lacks concrete definition, but you’ll know your real and serious decision points when they arrive before you.
So, what I’m saying is, you appear to be doing the right thing, by trying, but that doesn’t mean you’ll win. In hell, you can do the right thing, and get the wrong outcome. In fact, part of what makes hell so hellish is that moral choices map inversely to good outcomes. Turns out, crime and sin do pay, highly at that.
@NEETzsche @Humpleupagus @WashedOutGundamPilot
Funny that.
I got from Bible the exactly oposite conclusion. That we do live in haven, and a good sould purifies it one good deed at the time. (Although, it will never be entierly pure. That is a trap many people do fall into.)
My life is good. It was never better. It has just one imperfection, and the pain from it is huge, but I can still see the beauty around me.
@NEETzsche @Humpleupagus @WashedOutGundamPilot
Because exactly to the point you wrote, How could I enjoy the good, if I didn't know what the pain is?
God does often intervene on behalf of the good and the just, but it’s worth understanding that these interventions are necessary precisely because they run contrary to the nature of the world. Since the world hates God, it’s pretty apt to characterize it as hell.
I’m focusing on new testament scriptures because most people regard Gnostic and Mormon scriptures as heretical, although I can say that I personally take them pretty seriously.
What did we do to deserve hell I wonder? I’m no angel but my worst “sins” were committed from a position of fear or in retaliation of a wrong doing. The majority of my dark thoughts now are just expressions of disgust that I see in the world. It’s hard not being a puppet to the reflexive impulses of this meatsuit. And what does religion tell us, to have faith. I’m trying ringo, I’m trying real hard.
Well, the topic of our purpose for being here gets into some hairy territory, if I’m being honest. The Bible alone states several reasons to be here on Earth and what our purpose is, but I’m actually going to bring up Gnostic and Mormon scriptures on the subject more for this part.
The Earth and the physical universe are often seen as the flawed creation of this Demiurge, a being who is inferior to the ultimate, transcendent God, and who often creates out of ignorance, without knowing the transcendent God. Human beings are often depicted as having a divine spark or spirit within them, a part of their nature that is of the same substance as the transcendent God. However, this divine spark has become trapped in the physical body and the material world and is ignorant of its true, divine nature.
In the Gnostic texts, Earth is usually depicted as a flawed creation of the demiurge, a lesser divinity to God. This divinity is often characterized as malevolent (Satanic) or at a minimum ignorant, but usually both. Humans have a divine spark made of the same substance as the true and transcendent God, which far supersedes the world. Gnostics hold that we escape the physical world through gnosis, or better-described as direct knowledge of the divine. This is distinct from both a priori and a posteriori knowledge because it doesn’t follow logically and it doesn’t come from sensory input or other such worldly experience. Mormon scriptures, on the other hand, list a few different reasons for us to be on Earth, like to gain a physical body, to gain experience and to grow, to exercise agency, to form family relationships and proliferate, and to have our morals tested for our eternal life after all of this.
To synthesize these two views a bit, the demiurge, or the devil, wants us confined to the physical world, bound by its laws. Lucifer, the pre-mortal name of the devil or Satan, wants us to have no real choice and no real agency. This entity has created a web of illusion and deceit to tempt us to commit various sins, giving us compelling reasons to do bad things, and then hold our feet to the fire when we do them, appealing to the higher divinity, God, that we should never have been given real free agency in the first place. In this sense, we are all like Job. It’s also why the good tend to die young. But if the world can be reduced to a simple formula like “always do the right thing and you will win” or “never do the right thing or you will lose” then our choices matter less because we’re on a track, we’re being railroaded. Sometimes, we have to do bad things, like killing for the purpose of self-defense or obscuring important facts so that we don’t throw our pearls before swine, and so on, and in those cases, we will be forgiven.
I'll have restrain myself from rubbing their bellies unless they expose it to me. Should probably avoid the pool.
Should her family still be in her life, of course. But they should hardly be the center and should also be of little influence. If you're unable to crush the most negative whispers they put in her ear, you're not the one she should breed with.