uke update: putting new strings on it definitely sounds a whole lot better. one of those things where you don't realize how shitty what you're using is until you get a new version of it. god my ears are in heaven right now.
when i took off the old strings there were divots in them where i had pressed down, just chunks of the string either malformed or carved away. so i bought some sturdier ones, fluorocarbon instead of nylgut. apparently fluorocarbon is used for fishing line, so it's a bit sturdier and will hopefully hold up more. i've heard that it's what most performing musicians use on their ukes whereas recording ukes tend to have softer strings like black nylon.
can't plug it in to try because it's night time now, but fingers crossed that it's actually the solution to the horrible sound i've been getting. i'm going to try throwing in fresh batteries instead of ones that have been sitting around for a year too just to see how that goes. but yeah, worst case i buy a new uke that has a better pickup. apparently there is a pickup that doesn't need batteries at all and just charges with a capacitor while plugged in, so that's probably what i'd be on the hunt for.