Well, shit's fucked.
I was gonna need a new keyboard anyway so it's not like I lost anything, but I'm still mad. I have no idea what I did. I took it apart several times, looked to see if anything was fucked, replaced everything, rewashed stuff, just.... Nothing works.

Even if it is some sort of firmware issue, where like when I reset it or opened it up or something it reset or got corrupted or whatever, the company doesn't produce the keyboard anymore and all of the drivers are wiped. Had a 2 year warranty but I've had it for 3.

Gonna dig up the old keyboard now and hope that works (I really need to clean that one too, it's been sitting in storage for a long time). If it doesn't, I'll probably be heading over to Walmart in a few hours. Still going to buy a new board regardless. Dammit.