Like, apparently I might have to update my kernel. Why in the hell is that not in the update list to begin with? I'm on an old version of an old version that doesn't support the latest graphics drivers.
@Pawlicker so it appears that the kernel just got stuck on an old version somehow, couldn't figure out how to update it. Some people said another version of Linux could be controlling the grub but this is the only install I have. So I just reinstalled the whole OS :P I think I must have just been installing stuff this whole time that conflicted with the old kernel and eventually it just gave up the ghost. The latest one was installed BTW, just not activated and it didn't show up in grub. Very cool.
Yup, gonna have to reinstall Linux completely. Shit's fucked. Great software.