Part of what helped me want to reconnect with my dad, despite all the shit he put everyone through by divorcing my mom and everything that happened after that, was death. I'd see posts of people talking about memories of their dads, who were gone. Things like old videos, computer files, heirlooms, and the like. I was watching the old family VHS tapes and just seeing all of the memories I had brought to life right in front of me. I figured I was a fool for letting 6 years go to waste. He's made some horrible choices, said and did some horrible things, put a huge amount of grief and strain on myself and the people I love. But, he's still my dad, and I still have so many positive memories of him. Still so many more that could be made. As we all do. I only have one dad, and once he's gone, that'll be it. All those memories will only be memories, and I'll no longer get to laugh about them with him.

I also wanted to set a good example for my siblings. When my parents divorced, I didn't go to the family meeting. I shut off and didn't talk to my dad from that day onwards, all the way up until my brother's wedding years later where it was the smallest of small talk. I think that enabled my siblings into not talking to my mom. It's something I really regret. If I had gone to that family meeting and actually been the big brother I was supposed to be, maybe things could have turned out a lot more peaceful than they did. I was 19 and hadn't been moved out for even 6 months yet, I just didn't know how to act and I was so pissed off. I thought that such a strong act of defiance would push my siblings into the same mindset, but they were just kids. They couldn't really have much of a choice in the matter and it only made things harder for them. Now, pretty much the only person my mom has in our immediate family is me. So, hopefully, with time, and just trying to be a good example finally, I can help bring about peace.

Oddly enough, or maybe not so oddly, this change I felt came at a time as I was converting back to Christianity. After I left the Mormon church, I didn't know what I believed. Everyone around me thought that I had to believe in something, and that pushed me away from believing in anything. Something just kept nudging me in the right direction, though, and even though I still despise religion, I came back to Christ. I think that has altered the way I look at things. I was godless when my family split apart, and it was through much growth that I've reversed that for myself.

I'm not one to say my life has been any rougher than anyone else's. Everyone has their tragedies. It certainly hasn't been easy, though. I feel like every few years I'm a completely different person than who I used to be. I'll have these periods of time that completely beat me into the ground, grind me into dust, and then I am left needing to reshape myself afterwards. I look back at who I was even 4 years ago and shudder sometimes. It's the refining process, I guess. I acknowledge I need further refinement still, which means more periods of struggles are surely on the way. I'll come out of it though... I always do. With a unique perspective that guides me through the next struggle, and so on.

I hope you're all well this Christmas. May God be with you.