@teto @jeff TL;DR i basically left because it didn't sit right with me spiritually. it wasn't until after i had already left that i started finding stuff like the CES letter and learning about the freemasonry stuff and abuse cover-ups, etc. it was never because of the actual people in the church or that i wanted to do things against the commandments/word of wisdom or anything like that.

i kind of always felt off spiritually but just went along with it because it was THE culture here. basically everyone i knew was mormon, my entire family was mormon, etc. if i left i knew it wouldn't be good.

when it came time to go on my mission, that's when i really started to struggle because i really felt like i should not go. i had prayed about it over and over again and just kept getting the answer that i was on the wrong path. i talked to a bunch of different local church leaders about it and they all gave me the same boilerplate "all men are required to go on a mission and you're being tempted by the devil." parents told me they would kick me out if i didn't go on a mission and i was fully prepared to basically just run away.

but i ended up doing it anyway, after a lot of back and forth. pretended to be excited about it. went to the temple and that was legitimately the worst i've ever felt in my life spiritually speaking. my family that went with me couldn't stop talking about how great they felt and i felt like complete garbage. when i was in the MTC (missionary training center) i failed the emotional screening so i was put in therapy and the therapist basically just said "pray to Jesus and you'll feel better." i got extremely sick, like some of the worst sickness i've had in my life. when i got out into the field i was only there for 3 days before i basically was like, well, i feel so horrible inside that i'm either going to kill myself or go home and leave the church, and thankfully i chose the latter.

when i got back home my parents didn't let me be with any of my siblings alone and i had to sleep on a mattress in their bedroom for about 2 or 3 months. everyone kept trying to pressure me to go back to church and go to therapy and shit like that and it took a very long time for people to stop pushing me so much.

i had no idea what i believed in after that, just knew that it wasn't mormonism. i pretty much went the agnostic path. i don't really identify with any religion or anything like that, but I do love Jesus. people have said i could be like an agnostic Christian or something like that but idk man i don't really like labeling myself. i'm not a fan of religion in general and i don't think Jesus was either.