There is one fundamental problem I cannot get over. There are obviously christians, who take christianity through a spiritual lense. And I do understand that kind of a religion.

But... I have been listening to christian apologists ever since I was a child. And I know, that this kind of a god was NOT what they were talking about. Neither the first mover nor the Pascal's vager are connected to the inner beauty of the world. The eternal hell I was promised and get threatened by is not connected to the inner piece this connection can bring.

So, even if I accepted this God, I still could never call myself a christian. Because I know, that it does describe something different, then what I would mean.

And yes, it is a problem, that I simply cannot get over. I feel disgust whenever I hear christian language. I will pray for you is closer to an insult then a greatful act.

Have you ever heard of this problem before? What do you think?

@LukeAlmighty this is why I hate religion, because it is full of emotional manipulation. For some people it completely turns them away, for some people it hooks them. Then you have to listen to a guy tell you what he thinks you should believe, and what meaning/interpretation you should have when it comes to Bible stories, and if you use your ability to pray to God for answers and get something different than what that guy thinks he'll say you're wrong or you are being tempted by the devil or some shit.

Growing up Mormon, for a very long time I was told that each of us had a very special connection to God and could pray to Him and receive answers through the Holy Spirit. In doing this I was personally receiving an answer that I shouldn't be going on a mission, and that my doubts about it all being true weren't just Satan's lies or something. When I brought it up to my local church leaders they all said the same thing, that I was wrong and NEEDED to serve a mission (which you literally don't have to btw but everyone acts like you do, it's weird) and that I should "doubt my doubts before doubting my faith." But I had been doubting my doubts and now my faith was reassuring those doubts were correct.

The more I continued trying to push it down, the worse I felt. It's like my spirit was at war with my social survival instinct. Went through the temple to prepare for my mission and that's the worst my spirit had ever felt. It's hard to describe the feeling... Imagine just being subjected to the worst kind of emotional abuse possible to the point where you can't even cry. That sounds really dramatic but that's how it was, I felt completely downtrodden. I continued on anyway though because where I'm from it was basically social suicide to leave the church.

So I was out training for my mission and I believe all of that started to actually affect me physically. I got horrendously sick, probably worse than when I got covid. I couldn't even read anything because I'd get a searing migraine if I did and I was in bed for a few days. The doctor checked me out and said he couldn't find much wrong, so they basically just loaded me up on ibuprofen and gave me a blessing every day. Then they made everyone take this mandatory mental health evaluation, which should really tell you something, and of course I failed it. So I went to the on-site therapist and they basically told me to just pray and my thoughts of self harm would just go away. Welp, that didn't work.

My spirit was in so much turmoil that it physically manifested, and my brain was becoming unable to cope with it as well. Finally it got to the point where I had to end it one way or the other, and thankfully I decided on going home and leaving the church, which was also a huge struggle but man, I knew I made the right decision because my soul was at peace.

So there's the thing, I really don't like religion in general, Christianity included. I personally think that the goal of Jesus was to abolish religion because no man is perfect enough to run one. It's 100% supposed to be a connection between you and your God. There doesn't need to be a middleman telling you what to do or what to believe, and there definitely isn't a fucking series of handshakes you have to memorize to get into heaven lmao. So I know where you're coming from, in a sense, and I went through a period where I lost my spirituality as well until I realized that you don't NEED religion, you can believe whatever you want to believe. If Jesus Himself looked down on religious people, and never set up a religion Himself, and specifically told people He came not to bring peace, but to tear people away from religion to follow Him instead, well that's good enough for me lol.

I'm not saying you have to believe in God or anything btw, not preaching, just sharing my own personal story on why I think religion is a sham. It's basically just propaganda to get money from people. I talk about Mormonism a lot because that's how I was raised, but it exists everywhere. So I don't blame you one bit for being turned off by it and I think not believing in anything is a better alternative because it means you're actually tuned in enough to distance yourself from bad actors.

I know I'm very far from your conventional Christian too, and maybe a lot of people would consider my beliefs as confirmation bias. Their opinion of me doesn't matter though because I know what I believe and how it makes me feel. I know I don't have all the answers too, so it's always interesting talking to people about religion and spirituality and hearing different things. We're humans at the end of the day and I think the goal is to just learn and try to be the best we can be. If religion helps you do that, cool, if you can do that while being an atheist, also cool. The way I view things, it doesn't matter much and I think it really comes down to the individual and what they value, although my heart does hurt for those who feel like shit in their current position but they can't break out of it because I've been there before and it's rough.