My father...let me tell you about my father, what I knew of him through experience, not what I was told (there is a difference)
This man, short of stature, like some kind of deranged hobbit, would almost certainly be drunk, not quite stumbling drunk but in a stupor. He would tell me about the evils of the world, and would threaten me with beatings for not paying attention closely enough to his ramblings. He would accuse me of lying when I had not, mostly about my feelings. He would accuse me of not taking him seriously, or disbelieving him when I had not done either. He would smell strongly of cigarettes. For years I would deeply inhale any fabrics I encountered which smelled of smoke (if they weren't obviously filthy), I very rarely saw my father and so the smell was a comfort. Until my attitude toward my father changed from one of fearful awe, to fearful hatred. I think it was the lies that eroded my sense of trust, he would not show up, or not deliver on a promise, or not even feed me. I never really talked so honestly about this before. No one would really let me, in person. They always want to interrupt and try to give advice. But there is no advice for this. I just have to live with it.
I'm not sure I'm worth anything
I don't know what I have to offer
I'm very loyal, but very sensitive
I have nothing but my body really, and even that's on loan
Will some other body ever love me? By love I mean affection of the body. I mean the physical signs and pleasures we call love, gentle hugs, encouraging words, soft caresses.
Memories of my mother haunt me, a woman who ones was full of life drained by life, her force expiring as it comsumed itself like a fuse, and I wonder where it had gone...it was there...it was.
Who am I?
What am I?
Why do I feel such sorrow?
Why must I feel?
Why is this, what kind of joke is this?
*gives you food to eat so you don't starve even though I just called you a bullshit motherfucker because I was mad*
It's fucked up to cut your offspring off because they criticize you. It's fucked up to cut your offspring off because they question you. It's fucked up to cut your offspring off because they're silently suffering. It's fucked up to cut your offspring off because they're loudly suffering.
When is it ok to cut offspring off? When they are a legitimate threat to your safety. Criticism is not a legitimate threat to your safety. Being questioned is not a legitimate threat to your safety. Witnessing suffering is not a legitimate threat to your safety.
I don't usually like male voices but this is nice
https://youtu.be/_KnjwMTSTBk
There's just something about a person so fucking stupid that they think their accomplishments are A) their own and B) something to be lauded, they truly fail to realize that the accomplishment is for THEM, that if they only feel something when someone else ACKNOWLEDGES the accomplishment, then it was all just a facade, and was not genuine, and is therefore not admirable, unless you're admiring a fake for what a fake it is
The Trench