Ever notice how when you mix your two shots into a drink and sip it, you feel nice, but when you slam those two shots you feel sick? That's stupid. I wish it wasn't like that. I used to not let my body bully me and would slam 4 shots, and then more later if possible. I hate my body. Stupid body. Now I sip though, and it feels much nicer. But there's shame in sipping, fags sip. I'm a fag now.
I have to admit something I've been denying for a long time and feeling really bad about but I'm kind of drunk now so that makes it easier but here it is. I think I'm a sadist. Like a real one. I like hurting people. And I feel so much shame because of some core memories which dictate my values, but that doesn't change my proclivities. Ever since I was a kid I liked hurting people. Never anything fucked up like throwing rocks or pushing people off things, but kind of sicker stuff, like shaming people into willingly accepting punishments like hand slapping, or just fucking with peoples heads. I stopped doing that at least consciously by the time I exited my teens. I tried to be a good person. I got walked on a lot, and I was never happy. I value consent and always will, so I'm not worried about hurting anybody nonconsensually, but it does present a difficulty with partners. So far every sub partner I have had left because I couldn't bring myself to hurt them, even though they wanted it, and specifically asked for it. I could never even cum in them. Then one night with a guy friend (my age, barely knew him really), I was fucking him and he was clearly in a lot of pain, and I hesitated like I normally would, and I asked him if he was ok, but he told me to finish, he begged me to finish, I again told him I wanted to stop and that I didn't want to hurt him, he said he was fine but he was grimacing, clearly in pain...I listened to him, I didn't stop, I fucked harder and harder all while looking, wide eyed staring locked onto his face, his grimace of pain, his eyes clenched shut, his teeth bared. I loved the pain I was causing him...I hurt him more and more in my mind with each thrust, until finally I came, for the first time in my life I came from sex, before now it had not happened. And in that moment I knew I was fucked up.
@canine They're scared of losing the ground they've gained, and they have gained ground, in terms of social acceptance.
@matrix Ah makes sense
@Sigma Sobbing, this is amazing
I'm really scared to go to a convention but I think now that I have anxiety meds I can do it, it'll be really hard and scary but not impossible, thanks to the meds. Like I'm really scared. I haven't been in the public eye in a long time. I'm a nothing, a nobody, but I still got attention, just because of my looks, but my looks aren't what they used to be, and I worry if I'm not enough of a whole ass person to be worth anything to anybody...but I won't know unless I try. I have to to to a convention, I have to get my covid pass or whatever the fuck if they're still doing that shit, I have to eat ze bugs if that's what it takes, I need nerd pussy, I need to go to the convention with their stupid fucking facual recognition cameras ans biometric scanners. Fucking bastards. But fuck it. If it's what I have to do to get to nerd love that's what I have to fucking do, I'll push to the front of the line and say "yes daddy" if it means I get to hang out with safe soft cute likeminded individuals while we give eachother massages and liaten to eachothers stories.
Like I really have no friends irl because they were all addicts and I didn't want to live that way so I ditched them (or they ditched me after I stopped being their whipping boy), I'm a clean smelling person with soft skin and features and I just want a fren group before I die please
Me and which black tooter becoming besties
https://youtu.be/ABTjiYondFw
Project ended.
Project status: Failure
Debrief complete.