YZZAJ @Jazzy_Butts@gameliberty.club

@Chizu @Liminal I have had lots of experience with therapists and agree, I hadn't seen one in years but gave this woman a chance because my mom knew her and said she would be someone who would treat me well. Bullshit. The therapist has an adult kid who lives in another state and has a lifestyle that directly conflics with her own values, but isn't willing to own that and takes the "hate the sin not the sinner" route. Sad and gross. I used to have a "friend" to talk to (we were more like a couple, we would sleep in the same bed regularly and would sppon and caress eachother, but never had sex...he later claimed to be straight when I verbalized what was being felt) but we stopped talking years ago after it became too awkward and sad. Ever since then I've been spiraling. I dated someone after he left the picture, a trans girl, but she got judgy when I opened up about how I like loli/shota stuff and I stopped feeling comfortable with her after that so I had to break up. We fought about stupid shit too so it's not like that's the only reason we broke up but it freaked me out enough to say bye and then I went into hiding because I was sure she would tell everyone to be petty but idk if she did or not. We didn't really have any mutual friends anyway. I just wish I had a partner who liked who I was and not who I was pretending to be.

@Chizu @Liminal Said this to my therapist and she gave me that smug christian smile as if to say "come on, you can't be that delusional"

@alyx @Alex @deadheat I don't care that they eat dogs tbh, what I have a problem with is the perverse and satanic cultural practice of intentionally inflicting as much pain on the organism before killing it. That shit puts someone on my plate, in my crosshairs, they're not people anymore to me, they stopped being people and are now free objects for me to use how I see fit, if only others saw it the same way so we could use them as slaves.

@alyx @deadheat I don't know of any government officials who have said anything negative about asians eating dogs, citizens are not held to the same standards and should not be counted as official state opinion.

I hate when artists make their signatures so stylized that you can't tell what it says, so you can't find more of their work.

Just saw a trans girl I knew years ago who was so pretty but now she's fat and sadder than ever 😬 she always had issues with self esteem but would cover it up by playing cool, I don't wanna end up like that, I have to eat better and stay positive

"It's time for us to kill all the boomers and take their shit", he said. And then they killed all the boomers and took their shit.

@tarperfume @rats She wont throw me out over that. She'd be very weird but wouldn't kick me out. I just don't want to be around her when I feel like she's ashamed of me or something or embarrassed or thinks I'm doing something wrong.

@tarperfume @rats I'm so fed up with doctors that I had to leave an office the other day because I was about to tell the receptionist to go fuck herself. And my mom is super terfy and lies about it. "Terf? What? Me?! Nooooo! I'm not a terf!"
Ok mom well what if I was trans?
*Mom makes a horrified facial expression like I just said I am inhabited by the spirit of Hitler.*
Thanks mom, totally not a terf, how could I make that mistake.

Oh and I never had a dad, I saw him a few times when he would see me without my moms permission and he was always pretty drunk and would be smiling one second then in my face telling me he's going to knock me out and then the next he'd be sobbing telling me how much he loved me and I just had to go "Yup, uh huh, uh huh" because if I argued I might get beat.

My life started pretty normally, but my mom munchausened me and that's where my shit started getting fucked. Changed schools every 3 years, was on pills that made me obese and greasy, none of the other kids liked me until I got into high school because by then I had gotten off the poison. This whole time I was pretty much living in my own world of comic books, sci fi, horror, and cartoons. I made a friend in those last 3 years of school, and through him I met others. They all turned out to be pretty nice people, until they stopped being nice and got selfish. And then the primary friend didn't get to the phone in time and someone good died. After that the facade ended, no one could pretend everything was normal anymore. They and I were a bunch of addict losers, so I cut them loose. And I tried making friends after, I fell in with some gay guy and his friends, he was around 10 years older than me and manipulated the fuck out of me. Told me he loved me, that we would run away together and get married, all lies. A week after I met him he revealed he had a husband, who met me, and was cool with it (he pretended to be but was not in fact cool with it). Our shitty disgusting toxic relationship lasted over 2 years, until he threatened me one night when I was depressed and talking about how I wished I wasn't alive at that moment, I said "I just wish I wasn't alive right now" and he took it and turned it around and started verbally abusing me and screaming and saying he was going to call the hospital and shit and I don't do hospitals because they One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nested my ass in my teens and that shit fucked me up hard. They strapped me down and injected me at one point because I wasn't acting like a cuckboy faggot (yes massa, no mass, you sho is smart massa). One of the staff took a hate to me and would threaten to beat the fuck out of me every time he saw me. I was a soft pissed off gay boy, there was no reason for him to act like that, I kept to myself and never broke or threw shit. I learned early on that life is fucked, the inmates run the asylum, fairness does not exist, we die cold and alone and in more pain than we could ever imagine. Cartoons, masturbation, mind numbing, it's all I have had for a long time. I ditched the gays after that debacle. And I have been alone for many years. I thought the country would descend into civil war after Trump was elected, and I had gotten prepared to the best of my own ability, I wanted to innawoods if I had to and had a go bag and everything. I trained hard. Got into the best shape since I was out clubbing years before. Then nothing happened. And covid. And the lockdowns. And still nothing. I looked at the world falling apart. Specal passes to go to conventions, special injections. I don't do hospitals, I don't do doctors, I don't do injections. These people, these motherfuckers, again, took from me. And they won't stop taking. I just wanted to meet some friends irl in meatspace, people I could act normal with, but instead I was trapped alone and going deeper into my own head. I began talking to myself, little things at first, singing out loud, shouting one word phrases and then chuckling, stuff to keep my spirits up, but then it got worse, it got dark. I started arguing with people from my past who weren't there, and I knew they weren't there, I didn't care, I would have full on dialogues with them. And no matter how many times I did it I would never get any true catharsis, but I wouldn't stop. I began making mannequins of people who had betrayed me and mutilating them. I was not, and am not, healthy. I tried to start seeing a therapist, very hard for me to do, took a lot of effort, a big personal compromise. She ghosted me. She was a Christian. I was open about everything I'm telling you now, as well as more personal doxxy stuff. I was open about my gentleness too, how I wanted to protect those I loved, but that I found it hard to love like I used to because to love requires trust and my ability to trust has been damaged since I was 9. I don't like being lied to, I don't like being manipulated. I don't like being told an office is a safe space, only to then be told my views on zoohilia and pedophilia are only so because I was "abused" and am "addicted to porn" and had my "innocence taken away", gtfo with that christian spiritual bullshit.

@rats I wish hrt didn't make the dick soft or I'd use it

@rats 😳

Really the first thing I have to do if I want to be serious is I have to sculpt some references. I'm a much better sculpter than illustrator so it'll be a breeze to make some asses but I have to clean up my work space first and so I'm putting it off (bad).

I hate drawing ugly fucking shit that looks like a retard made it

The thing that holds me back as an artist is my stubborn refusal to properly use references to plot lines out. I feel like a cheater, a fraud, any time I do that. I have this wrong thought that if I'm not a human copying machine, perfectly drawing anything from memory and without sketching it out, that I should just kill myself.